buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
