If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
