Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
