my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize