the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
