He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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