The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
