so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
