I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
