So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
