i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
