I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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