turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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