Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
