My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
