I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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