I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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