So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
