i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
