Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
