god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
