You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
