I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
