my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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