It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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