she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
