How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
