i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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