you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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