I'm eating all of the evidence.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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