happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
