i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
