It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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