I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
