Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
