That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
