I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
