I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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