he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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