I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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