If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
