when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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