Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
