All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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