btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
