He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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