so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
