I wish I could punch you in the face.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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