Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
