phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
