sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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