I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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