I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
