New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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