Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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