he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
