I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
