oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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