Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dignity is for republicans.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
