just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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