i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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